I've been praying about returning to the USA (my home country). I'm not unhappy, not homesick, but I've been a bit edgy. So far, I've not seen the doors open. I'm willing to concede my own weaknesses. Not having "seen the doors" just may be due to my own blindness. Still, I feel I should be able to have a sound mind, and feel confident enough to move forward before "moving forward." I've been telling God what I think I want.... just tossing it out there to see what happens.
I don't want to have to own a car. I want to be able to walk to work, walk to gym, walk to get everything I need. I want good public transportation to be available close by that I would need only once in awhile.
I want a husband, not just any husband, but a very special kind of husband. I've pictured him in my mind for so long! Surely, he's out there looking for me too. Surely, God knows! Surely, God can bring us together. I know I am not alone in wanting such a husband. God doesn't owe me any special favors. But, you know, if I got exactly what I wanted -- what God surely must know is the desire of my heart -- for a husband, I'd certainly owe God thanks for that.
I want a church to join with my husband, not a "gay church." I want a church very much like a certain church or two I've known before, but that is inclusive and affirming (in a main stream kind of way) of Gay people. I'd like such church to be within walking distance away from home. I'd like that church to have a piano and Hammond B-3 that I can play on now and then. God knows about all that. If I got all that, I know to whom I'd owe my thanks, my honor, more than I could ever repay.
If I have to live alone, then what's the advantage of leaving my current situation. I workout at a gym everyday. I have health insurance. I have a home. I'm paid a salary. I don't need my own car. There are no churches where Gays are included / affirmed, but I can worship, pray, and exercise my devotions privately and alone, not the most satisfying way, but I'm kinda stuck with it.
I can't feel that being nearer to my immediate family would, necessarily, offer any advantages. They are all heterosexually oriented and I can't (yet) feel that I'd be welcomed to share my life with them as openly as they can share their lives with me. I'm not bashful about sharing my life. They all know I'm gay. They all know I want a husband. They're all kind hearted people, but I know (at least by all indications so far) they aren't comfortable about it all, and I have (as far as I can tell) respected their wishes.
I'm not afraid to start all over again in some place new to me in the USA, but where? Dear God, where?
I've read the whole Bible many times. I've read lots of theology. I've listened to lots of people spin their opinions about prayer and such. I'm aware of various opinions. If other people can pray as they see is fitting, the why can't I? Why can't I just toss it out there and see what happens?
As I said, God owes me nothing. God already knows (better than I) what I want. As best as I can -- keeping it simple, short, sincere -- with human words, I just toss it out there... to see what happens. Why not?
I'll post this everywhere, not to solicit pity, but simply as a testimony of fact. Maybe, I'm foolish for it all. Maybe not. No doubt many opinions exists.